Hope Exists!

A good week!

2009-09-11T16:25:33Z

I'm feeling strangely content today.

It's been an interesting week. We've been kind of waiting for Elliot's sleep schedule to get to the point where waking up before 8 and getting Dennis out the door earlier was just natural. If I remember it worked that way with the other three. It wasn't working that way this time. The boy is 9 months old and he was still sleeping till 8 or 8:30 fairly frequently. Dennis and I made the decision to get me (and him on the mornings he's sleeping in) up around 7 and make the effort to adjust our schedule. Monday was labor day, no need to do this. Tuesday was HARD. Elliot decided to stay up later than normal and wake in the middle of the night. I was cranky and grumpy all day Tuesday but the week has gotten easier as the new wake up time has become more routine. Hopefully it will continue to get easier and stay easier. I'm not looking for it to be all sunshine and roses at 7am but I'd at least like to not be grumpy all day long! I'm not a morning person and probably will never be. I'll rejoice when the kids are sleeping in until 8 or 9 or old enough to be on their own without direct supervision until then. I've heard this happens eventually... hopefully it will for us.

I'm slowly finding my courage and fighting to hang on to it. I'm setting goals for myself and working on self-discipline. It's hard.

We're going to try a new church this Sunday with a friend. We've heard it's a fairly big church but that is good in some ways - it has a 10:30 service!!! 9:30 am services are hard for me to get to. 9am services are worse. 10:30am services sound almost downright luxurious!

I hate the feeling of being paralyzed by fear or self doubt. I'm working on making choices and trusting, having some faith. I know I wasn't created to live in fear but it sure feels like that's how I live some days. Dennis smiled yesterday when I complained that driving at 30mph felt like crawling to me. He said it was GOOD. If I'm feeling like 30mph is slow then I'm getting used to it, I'm getting more comfortable with it and it will get better. I need to hang on to that lesson and remember it when I'm pushing past my comfort zones. If I push past them often enough they get bigger, they get better.

School this week has been a screaming success. We're not going to examine how much the kids are retaining yet but they're working. Jonathan has finished his math book and will be moving on to the new one next week. He's doing way less sounding out while he's reading and he's starting to sound somewhat fluent. Sarah's finally getting the hang of adding her '9s' and her creativity has no bounds to it. She's been spending a lot of time with her 'how to draw book' this week and really enjoying it. She usually the first to answer the questions after we finish reading our books and 9.99999 times out of 10 she's got the right answer. That child is just not likely to struggle with reading comprehension!! Talia's still thrilled to be doing her worksheets while Jonathan and Sarah do their seatwork and her coloring is beginning to stay 'in the lines' on a regular basis. I'm proud of all three of them. We've had a few moments of poor attitudes but they're listening when I tell them they need to choose a better one. It will be interesting to see what levels they test at when we have them tested in November. I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of our school year looks like after it's all said and done!

hope_exists @ 2009-06-11T12:00:00

2009-06-11T17:01:32Z

I started writing this last week and stopped because I felt like it was getting too whiny. I just re-read it and still agree with what I wrote... so publish button here I come!

I knew when I signed up for the job title of 'mom' that there would be a lot of self sacrifice involved. I know that part of being a parent is putting the children and their needs first but sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say "NO MORE!". Instead of doing that today I think I'm going to make a list of what I'd like to see happen sometime in the next 18 years - the sooner the better.

I'd like to have one meal a day to myself. That doesn't mean the kids can't be there but instead I'd like to be able to sit down and eat it in a leisurely manner without stopping for any "Mom!! The end of the world is coming... 'x' just happened!". I'd also like to be able to THINK during this meal. That usually requires the kids to be either silent or talking to each other in quiet, non argumentative tones.

I'd like my kids to use words to communicate their latest need to me. Yes darling, I know you're trying to tell me there's something going on with your foot but I'm all the way over here and can't come inspect it at the moment. Even if I were to inspect it with a magnifying glass I still can't be sure that I'd figure out what you're trying to tell me. It's going to be easier on both of us if you use your words and tell me what's wrong when I ask instead of just thrusting your foot out again (with more emphasis) and expecting me to read your mind.

I'd like at least one of my kids to listen the first time I tell them something. I've seen it happen once or twice so I know they're capable of it.

I'd love it if the girls figured out the baby is so not a doll and started to treat him with respect. And no child... for the eleventy billionth time, you may not shake the object he's holding on to in order to see if he can use it to balance through an earthquake. Making your brother fall down and scream is not something that was on my list of things that are okay with me today.

I would be delighted to be able to pick up my knitting needles and actually get some knitting done without a child screaming as soon as said needles are in my hand. I'm compromising by waiting until evening - and usually until they're all supposed to be asleep - before trying to knit. It would be nice if they could meet me halfway and stay asleep when I try to get some time to relax.

You were there

2009-05-14T15:24:13Z

So.. the c-section still pops into my mind on a fairly frequent basis. It's not that I'm ungrateful for a healthy baby in the end, believe me I AM, but it's as my midwife put it - it was an unexpected and unwanted birth experience. I didn't want a c-section. I wanted the vaginal birth, I am/was GOOD at birth and this was my thing. I wanted to be at home with my family, not stuck in a hospital for two days with no one with me half the time. You can have the best nurses in the world but they can't be there with you the whole time. There was so much about the pregnancy and birth that wasn't what I was wanting or looking for. I digress though.

Last night I was going to bed absolutely overtired and beyond the point of sanity and that seems to be when the emotional things hit the hardest. I started asking God why it happened how it happened again. I just wanted answers, I wanted something solid I could hold up and say "it's all ok, here's why". I'm working on accepting that at least at this point that isn't something I get to have. I'm working on it. As I prayed and pled and begged thoughts began running through my head. I started thinking about how my faith was tested and how God gives us the strength we need. About how God doesn't give us more than we can handle and He carries us through when we don't think we can make it. (Note to self: memorize more of the Bible! The stream of verses that can pop up when God is speaking to you is just spectacular!) The thoughts in my head started taking on a pattern and I realized He was there. He was there every step of the way. He was there holding me and orchestrating things because after all "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I was crying at this point, I knew I had to write. I haven't been hit by the 'need to write NOW!' bug in a few years but this definitely was one of those times. Here's what I wrote - I don't know if it's profound, I'm pretty sure it's not entirely grammatically correct and I know there's at least one word in that that isn't technically a word. What I do know is that this is what God was showing me and teaching me last night. I may never get to know the 'why' but at least I do get to know that He. Was. There.

You Were There
You were there
You were there in the quiet hours of the night while I waited
You were there as the water began to trickle and then flow
You were there as the snow fell and the work began
You were there as the people gathered
You were there as the water soothed and the voices calmed
You were there as things just didn't seem quite right
You were there as the truth was spoken
You were there as the decision was made
You were there as things changed

You were there in the calm that allowed me to know
You were there in the way I was able to soothe and reassure
You were there in the smoothness of the transition

You were there in the presence of my husband, strong and reassuring
You were there in the presence of my parents, the exact support system my children needed
You were there in the presence of my midwife; the calm constant rock the whole way through
You were there in the presence of the staff

You gave the paramedics the words to give me something to focus on and even find humour in
You were with the people around me as they set everything up
You were the voice of reassurance from someone who had been exactly where I was at
You were there for my husband when he needed support
You guided the surgeons hands
You provided me with someone who understood all that happened so I could understand too
You gave me pictures of my child in his first moments of life separate from me
You arranged things so all of my children had a parent, someone they knew, with them in their first hours

You were my encourager as I struggled to get my strength back
You were my rock as I greeted my family with a smile
You were my peace as I held my son
You were my companion in the endless lonely hours of the night
You were my strength as I worked on doing what I needed to in order to get home
You held me together until it was safe to fall apart and then you surrounded me with the support I needed

You never failed me
You were always with me
You orchestrated everything
You were my rock
You were my strength
You were my peace and hope
You didn't give me more than I could bear
You provided everything and everyone I needed
You were there

My kids :)

2009-04-28T16:50:36Z

Things I'm hearing the kids say as they play together today :)

T: let's get in the car because there's a pretend fire coming to our house!
T: monkey blanket! I'm glad you're so safe!
T: my hands are hot! they must be on fire
J: no, you're just feeling the summer heat
T: i called the firefighters and they said they could come over today!
S: tell the hospital to come over to my home
T: no, i called the firefighters
S: call the hospital too!
T: firefighters, no, hospital, I think there's a fire in the...
*pause while she listens to her sister protest that the hospital needs to come, not the firefighters*
T: ummm... can you take my baby to the hospital please doctors?
J: Call the fire! I put lots of fuel on the ground.

They've now moved on to building castles, using cranes and getting out Cinderella stickers but I think perhaps the c-section and the fire had a bit of a lasting impact on my kids?

Homeschooling Math!

2009-04-07T22:07:58Z

So.. we went to the homeschool conference over the weekend. I came away from it generally encouraged and excited about the materials we've picked for J and S next year. I was able to clarify some points on the curriculum I'm using with the authors themselves (how cool!!) and walk away from it all feeling like I really CAN do this!

The one huge negative I ran into? Vendors telling me the curriculum I was already using wasn't adequate. For the most part it was because they were trying to get me to buy theirs - I was able to politely tell them that I was comfortable and confidant in my current program and we moved on. There was only one vendor who insisted on tearing another vendor apart.

We use Math-U-See for math. We like it and the kids are flying through it and really <span style="font-style:italic;">getting it</span>. That getting it part is important to me. I want them to not just be memorizing facts but I want them to be figuring these things out for themselves. That's what they're doing and they're doing it well!

So anyways, we walked in Friday morning just after the conference started. We had about an hour until the first workshop we wanted to be at so we decided to do a quick walk through of the curriculum fair so we could get an overview of what we needed to look at later on. We started down the first aisle, just completely skipped the Math-U-See booth since we knew it would be easier to pick up what we needed just before heading to the car later that day. I saw the booth for another math program further down the aisle but didn't plan on stopping as I didn't need a new math program. As we came even with it the representative stepped out and stopped us. I didn't want to talk to her but I really didn't want to be rude.. so we stopped. I quickly let her know I had a math program I was comfortable with in hopes that she wouldn't start pushing us to buy hers; it didn't work. She started talking about how hers was so superior to all others; I again told her we were happy with our current program. She asked what it was and I told her. That turned out to be a mistake.

The representative switched her spiel from "look how great my program is" to "look how horrible your program is". Among her points were "nobody carries colored bars around to do math! Why would you want your children dependent on them?" and "with our program 1st graders can add three digit numbers to three digit numbers in their heads. 1st graders in your program can't do that". Oh, she also told us that children as young as five months can recognize (note: Recognize, NOT COUNT) up to three objects and baby chicks could as well. Apparently the buzzword this generation is "visualize!" and without her program my children will not be prepared to go into higher level sciences such as nanotechnology.

Dennis and I protested that we both were math majors - he has a degree and I would have if I had done one more semester of general classes. We feel like we're qualified to teach mathematics to our children. She countered with her PhD in math AND engineering. I really don't think I need a PhD to educate my child. We reassured her that our children aren't dependent on the 'colored bars' to add and subtract. Do they use them with a new concept? YES! It helps them 'visualize' (gasp!) the concept and then they move away from them. We told her that we really were comfortable with our choice and we weren't changing, I don't remember how we finally got away but we did. I walked away from her very frustrated, I don't mind if you want to tell me that your think your program is the best, I just don't want you to rip the choice I've made to shreds.

Dennis and I put a LOT of thought into a curriculum before buying it. We don't look at something and say "Ooooh, pretty colors!" as our eyes glaze over and then buy it for the shiny factor. Last year when we were making our initial math program choice we actually looked very seriously at this other curriculum. It came down to Math-U-See or this other one. We finally decided that Math-U-See was just a better fit for Jonathan. I think he would have excelled with either program honestly.

I wanted to see what was so special about this other math program so today I found the website for it. As I read through the bullet points that laid out exactly what the goals of this program was I started laughing. Everything it is trying to achieve is so far being achieved in our home by Math-U-See. Yes, the programs take a different approach to teaching the concepts but all these 'critical things that must be met for a solid foundation in mathematics' are in fact being met for my kids right now. This other program isn't a bad program, it just wasn't as ideal for my child starting out so we went another direction. Unfortunately for the creators of it after the encounter with the vendor this weekend at the conference I am unlikely to choose it if for some reason Math-U-See stops meeting our needs. The confrontation with the vendor left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I think the worst part of the confrontation was the questions of "am I really doing the right thing?" that was left in my head after we walked away. I spent the rest of the morning wondering if I was doing the wrong thing using a math program with colored bars. There's the silly thing, out of all the negatives she had about MUS what was the one thing that stuck in my head? The colored bars. I finally got the chance to talk to the author of MUS and told him I needed to be reassured. I told him what had happened and that I was able to counter everything else in my brain but the colored bars comments were sticking with me. He laughed and told me that was an easy one. The colored bars are used to introduce the concept and then the kids move on - exactly what we had told her our kids were doing. I was able to breath a sigh of relief and put it out of my head.. we have chosen a good math program for our kids and they are getting it! We're really doing okay.

Who am I beyond Mommy?

2009-03-25T16:38:00Z

Sarah has a paper cut. It's apparently the end of the world - I have a feeling I'll be hearing about it for the rest of the day!!

I've been finding myself looking for 'career' options lately. I started doing this after Sarah was born and I felt this way after Talia was born and now Elliot. There's just something about having a baby that has me looking toward the future and thinking "but what will I DO when they're grown and out of the house?"

I have one semester left of daytime college classes to get a math degree. I've looked at options for finishing this degree but due to most college requirements I'd either have to move back to WA to finish the degree there in one semester or take a years worth of full time classes where I am. Neither option is great - and when it comes down to it what in the world would I actually do with a math degree?! I haven't run across a career or job option yet that uses math that just shouts "pick me! pick me!". I think I went to college because it was just the thing to do and I chose a math degree because math is something I'm good at. I do enjoy math, I LOVED the number theory material but it generally isn't something I sit down to play with 'just because'. I enjoy teaching my kids math and it the subject I started first for homeschooling. I'm good at it and it's a comfortable thing. I just don't know that I have a desire to work with it on a daily basis.

What I do love is babies. I love the birth process and all things surrounding it. I definitely don't want to be a doctor though! I'm sure I've written about this before. It's no secret that two out of my four kids were born at home with a midwife attending. The fourth would have been as well but finding him posterior breech while I was in labor wasn't exactly within anyone's comfort zones for having a homebirth. I know some midwives would have done it but mine wasn't okay with us staying at home at that point and neither were we. There's a reason we chose a midwife who would transfer us to a hospital if it was needed. Some breech births may be lower risk but we had several factors that made this breech safer to deliver via c-section. I'm still sad I had a c-section. I didn't want one but in that moment I knew I needed one. I'm glad I felt in control and felt like I was calling the shots (even if it really was the only option open to me at that point.) I know that in looking back at the last seven years or so I can see that God clearly had His hand on us and was taking care of us, things were happening for reasons we didn't see until later. I trust that we'll someday 'see' why Elliot needed to be born the way he was.

I got totally off the topic of what I was trying to say there. I love babies - and I'd love to work with them when I reach the point of wanting a job outside the home. We've been blessed and we've made some choices that have allowed me to stay at home with the kids and I'm grateful for that - I just want an identity outside of 'mom' sometimes. I'm very interested in training as a midwife someday - but right now my place is with my family and I wouldn't feel right being on call for births to the degree that a midwife is - so that 'calling' such as it is will have to wait. It tugs at me but not with the impatience of something that I need to do NOW.

While I wait for the timing to be right to train as a midwife (or a doula or a midwife's assistant etc) I'm seriously looking at training as a lactation consultant. Breastfeeding is another thing I love and feel strongly about and it would be a joy to help moms who want to nurse their babies find their way. Jonathan and I had some hiccups in our breastfeeding relationship and I'm so grateful for the women who helped us over those 13 months. It was nice to have their support and guidance as I tried to figure out what to do when we ran into problems. It was also great to work with the LC in the hospital after Elliot was born. I knew what I was doing but E was having a hard time nursing on one side and I just didn't know how to help him figure it out. It was fun to work with the LC and find ways to get things figured out. As she left my room she made a comment about how I'd be a great LC, I knew what I was doing and I was passionate about it. I don't know how she saw that in me in the short time she was with me.. but she did.

This definitely wasn't the first time all of this came up. I looked into the certification routes a few years ago but definitely wasn't in a place to pursue them at that point in time. I'm not sure I'm in a position to pursue them now either - but I'm definitely going to keep looking and keep trying. It's possible that I'll get busy with the kids again and not think about this seriously for a few years but that's ok. When the time is right I'll pursue it.

I was talking about all of this the other day with Dennis and wondering if I really had what it took to do it. He almost laughed and then told me that he wasn't worried about it. He told me that he's watched me over our 11 years of marriage and seen me accomplish everything I've really been determined to do. I guess right now I just wait and pray.. and when the time is right and I hear that quiet "go" I'll be able to jump in with both feet and figure out what I'm suppose to do.

Music!

2009-03-16T19:45:14Z

We've officially ventured into the land of music with the kids. We took the kids to a local instrument/music store this weekend to give them a chance to see various instruments as well as pick some out. J has been obsessed with guitars and there was a 1/2 size guitar for $35 so we picked that up for him. S wants to play the piano, we'll be looking for a cheap keyboard for her to mess around with. T hasn't shown any particular desire for any specific instrument yet, I'm still waiting to see what she's going to go for. We picked up the guitar, recorders for each child ($4 for the 'better' quality ones! Felt like a steal!), a set of handbells (something we can play together) and then instruction books for all those instruments as well as a beginning piano book.

I messed around with the recorder and guitar on Saturday to try to figure out what I was doing so I can teach the kids.. I was shocked at how fast the recorder fingerings came back! It's been YEARS since I've played! I'm starting to wonder if the flute will come back as easily if I find mine and try to play again.

The thing I learned about the guitar on Saturday? After restringing it (my mom's old guitar, not the 1/2 size one we got for J) I now know that string 1 is the thinnest string and after playing the first two cords in the book my fingers HURT. Apparently that'll go away as I build up callouses. I hope so!

It's definitely going to be a fun and NOISY adventure with the kids and instruments!

My goals for the week: keep the math, reading & castles unit study rolling with J while I also start introducing music and teaching the kids about the treble clef and the notes on it! I so wish I had Mrs. T in the area to teach my kids about music, her classes were some of my favorites in elementary school. If she could teach my kids I'd ask her to skip the Beethoven movie though.. that one freaked me out every time we saw it!

Fail?

2009-03-06T20:48:19Z

I start new projects ALL the time. Seriously, if I'm not starting a new project of some type you know somethings wrong with me. Up until a few weeks ago this really bothered me because projects get started left and right but very few of them get finished. This little fact kept sitting in the back of my mind and just bugging me. "I must be some type of a failure, I always start things and then discover them years later, half finished. What's wrong with me?"

I say this bothered me constantly until a few weeks ago because it doesn't bother me so much anymore. I was talking to someone about this and she told me one thing that has had me rethinking the whole "I fail" thing. She told me "You may start a lot of projects that never get finished but when it comes down to it you're not quitting on the things that really matter. You haven't quit your marriage, you're still raising your kids and working on being a better mom - you're NOT failing in the things that count."

She's right, so very right. My marriage went through a rocky point a few years ago. I could have chosen to lose interest in it, I could have chosen to quit but I didn't. I chose to ask for help... Dennis and I met with a marriage counselor and got HELP. We got back on track, I didn't quit just because it was hard. I feel like quitting with my kids all the time! I get overwhelmed and get frustrated when things aren't working like I think they should and I just want to quit! I don't though. I keep trying, I keep working on figuring out how we can do things differently, better. My relationship with God hasn't been even close to where I've wanted it to be. I didn't stop trying though, I'm still trying!

I'm excited about all of this because now I have something to counter the little voice inside my head that keeps on trying to tell me I'm failing. True, knitting projects, spinning projects, sewing projects etc are getting started and set aside on a regular basis. I do usually come back to them eventually but the progress on each is slow. (One of these days I'm going to discover that I've actually finished many of them!) Now when I get discouraged about this I can remind myself that when it comes down to things that really matter (relationships, life, etc) I don't quit!

I'm feeling redundant here so I'll stop writing now. Kind of goes with the territory of feeling like a bumbling, awkward idiot with anyone other than my family... but that's a whole different story!

Missing

2009-02-25T01:08:16Z

A friend's blog post the other day had me really thinking about Sarah's twin again. It's true that time does heal. I don't think about the baby we're missing every day anymore. It probably helps that there was nothing 'concrete' to hold or see - even on ultrasound. It doesn't make it a non-issue though. I still find myself sad, I still grieve. There's a 5th child that Dennis and I created that isn't with us here on earth. I look forward to someday meeting that child in heaven. My brother-in-law is apparently quite good at predicting an unborn child's sex and up until the point we lost Sarah's twin he had been saying that we were going to have another boy - around the time I miscarried the baby he started saying we were having a girl.. and we did. I can't help but wonder if the missing baby was really another son. I miss my baby, I'm sad I didn't have a chance to know them. I could have had genetic testing done on the placenta - we could have gotten more information but it just didn't seem right. I hope as Sarah grows older she and I will be able to talk about this. I definitely don't want to hide this from her but I don't want to push it on her as a 'sad thing that happened when you were born' type thing. I don't want to put the grief on her - but if she somehow knows and wants to talk about it I want to be there for her.

In the meantime, I do still miss my other baby.

My kids

2009-02-20T21:50:27Z

I was trying to get to sleep last night and thinking about my kids - four of them now! It's really amazing how they are SO different from each other. They definitely share some personality traits (the whole lot of them is as stubborn as can be!) but beyond those few qualities they're definitely their own people.

Our firstborn came after three years of infertility. I don't doubt the statistics when they talk about infertility and high divorce rates going hand in hand. It was NOT an easy journey. There was a lot of tears, a lot of grief, a lot of questions why and lot of prayer involved in those three years. I'll never forget the momentary panic I felt when I saw the positive pregnancy test. It was a tense morning while we got blood testing done and waited for the results .. we were having a hard time letting ourselves believe it was real. It was real though and Jonathan arrived early the next year! Labor and birth with him was interesting. It happened later than we expected it to but Dennis and Sarah were there with me the whole time and they were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for two better people to be with me that day.

Jonathan is six now and he's in "school". I put that in quotes because we're homeschooling him. This is something we planned to do from the time we got married. I won't go into our reasons for it but yes, we do have reasons! I'm so glad we DO have the opportunity to homeschool him. We're learning that sometimes he learns best if we introduce a concept and then walk away from it entirely for several days if not a week or more. When we come back to it he's processed it and is ready to tackle it. If I try to push the issue and come back to it too soon we both wind up in tears, it just doesn't work. I'm sure this is something he'll learn to work with/around eventually but for right now? I'm so glad that we have the flexibility to work WITH the way he learns here at home. Watching him learn has been so much fun! Ok, so it's not all been fun.. we've had our share of heads butting and both of us grumping.. but he is learning. He read me a book today. Yes, it's a 'beginner' book but he read it all by himself! It's just been in the last week that he's transitioned from stumbling through sounding out all the words to confidently reading the ones he knows and taking the time to work out the ones he doesn't. I find myself grinning every time I listen to him reading one of his books. He's got a few more phonics tools to learn and then I have a feeling we won't be able to stop him from picking up random books and magazines and reading away. I'm looking forward to experiencing some of my old favorites from his perspective!

Sarah's my second child. Her pregnancy was very planned and we were thrilled that it actually happened when we wanted it to. Her birth was our first homebirth and it was beautiful. Out of our four kids she's definitely the one that's most like me. Sometimes I think that's good and at other times, well.. I feel a bit bad for her! If she's anything like me as she grows older she won't believe me when I tell her that I know what she's going through.. but trust me, I will. As I told my mom this morning, my goal is to be the best mom I can to her over the next 14 years so that once she moves out we can make the transition to being friends. I was constantly resisting my mom while I was at home and growing up but once I moved out we did become friends and it's been a very good friendship over the last eleven years. I really hope that Sarah and I will be able to have that as well. I'd love it if we don't have to go through the whole mother/daughter not getting along thing while she's growing up but I'm not holding my breath for that!

Sarah struggles with her emotions. I've seen her struggling with who she is and how she responds to other people. I find myself praying for wisdom in how to approach her and work with her far more than I do with my other children. I'm working on being a solid, steady, consistent rock for her.. someone she can always lean on and know what to expect from - I want to be an earthly example of who God is for her. Always loving, willing and ready to forgive. I sometimes feel like that's an impossible goal but if I don't try I know I'll fail for sure.

Talia's our third and as my cousin put it, our firecracker. Her birth was pretty much the picture of perfection as far as home births go! She's also the only one of my four who I wasn't separated from at all after the birth. I treasure that experience! Right now she's three and showing it. Terrible two's? Easy in my family.. the three's have been proving to be the bigger challenge. I hold on to the thought that Jonathan went through the same stage Talia is in right now and we both emerged on the other side of it whole and generally happy. Talia and I will as well! She's a sweet sweet girl.. but really, firecracker! That sums it up well.

Elliot was born just a few months ago and his birth has been the hardest one for me to process. His birth was the reason we were as careful with picking a midwife as we did. When things fell outside of 'normal' and 'low risk' there were no questions about what we needed to do. We sought medical attention and got a c-section within 45 minutes of being admitted to the hospital. It's not how I wanted things to go and I still struggle with the "why's" here and there but it was the right decision. It's kind of funny.. in the moment when we had to make the decision to go to the hospital I was the one who said 'hey, we're heading in, call them to set the c/s up'. I didn't hesitate, it's what I *knew* I needed to do in that moment. It was only later when I was talking to my midwife that she gently told me that it really was our only option at that point. Either way, I'm glad I can look back at it and know that *I* made the decision and even though I was scared I wasn't questioning if it was the right thing to do or not.

Elliot's birth may have been the roughest out of the four but on the other side of it, he's been my sweetest baby! He's been mellow since day one, sleeping during the night instead of during the day and generally easily pleased. He's definitely got his own opinions and we've had some rough days but in general he's been an incredibly easy baby. Dennis even told me he'd be willing to have more kids if we could get a guarantee that they'd all be like this! We obviously can't get that though so I'm afraid we're probably done.

That whole 'being done' thing is probably why I've been reflecting on my kids, their births and who they are now over the last few days / weeks. I don't feel done, I'd love to have more children. Dennis and I made an agreement though to stop at four. It's a war inside my head all to often these days. I desperately want to honor the agreement to not have anymore, I want to want to feel satisfied with the four we have but the other half of me is just as adamant about wanting to say 'forget it all' and keep going. I fully intend to honor the agreement my husband and I have made. IF we have more kids it will be because he's changed his mind or it will truly be a situation of 'how in the world did that happen? We did everything right to avoid pregnancy'. In either case it will need to be an act of God! In a way the emotions here have been feeling much like the emotions of infertility again. Such a strong longing for something that is (currently) unattainable. It probably doesn't help that the emotional struggles from the c-section have popped up again. I thought I had dealt with it all but several situations popping up in the lives of people around me have shown me that I'm not entirely over it. Most of the time I'm ok with it but there are still moments of 'why' and feelings of sadness.

All that whole 'wanting more kids' thing aside.. I enjoy the kids I have (most of the time) and I really am looking forward to watching them learn and grow. We initially planned to only homeschool the first few years of school.. but the more we're getting into it the more I want to homeschool them all the way through high school. I want to help them go from where they are now to graduating from high school and looking into the world beyond. I want to be immediately there when we realize a teaching method isn't working and be able to change it NOW and make it work for them. I want to be the one who helps them learn how they learn and then learn how other methods of learning can work for them. (If you understood that sentence, yay! I'm not sure I do entirely). Do I have any clue of what I'm getting myself into? Probably not! We'll figure it out as we go. Oh - and please don't worry, we're not so set into our 'wants' that we won't change things if they're not working... we're not one of those families. If we (or any of the very smart people around us) realizes that something is just not working, trust me, we're going to get help and look for other options until we find something that DOES work.

Writing again

2009-02-20T20:36:43Z

First off: shhhh, we'll ignore the little detail that I haven't written anything at all in well over a year. (61 weeks according to livejournal!) I will however tell you that I got pregnant and gave birth to a marvelous little boy in that time frame. It was an emotional pregnancy! :)

Second: I need to make this clear if I'm going to start writing again. This isn't going to necessarily be a happy and/or amusing blog. I tend to write about things I feel strongly about - those things are usually the things I want to vent about. What I write here doesn't encompass my whole life. My family, for the most part is generally happy and things run smoothly. I just don't write about those times :) So please, don't take the moments I write about on here as a picture of our entire life. It's definitely not!

Waiting

2007-12-18T00:52:09Z

No chicken pox yet and it's driving me bonkers! I'm having a hard time believing they didn't catch them but I suppose anything is possible. Sarah's been extra cranky for a few days though so we'll see... we're still in the window of when we could see spots show up. I guess this is just another lesson in patience and letting go for me. It doesn't matter how many times this lesson comes my way it seems, I still struggle with it.

How is it that December is almost done already? Ok, there's still another two weeks - but it feels like it's almost done. I've been waiting since we moved into this house for Christmas. One of the things I love about our living room area is the wide open space - perfect for a Christmas tree. We have our tree up and it's beautiful, everything I was hoping it would be. Now I want to freeze time and just enjoy the moment. Life is rushing by so quickly some days. I'm torn, in some ways I want things to go faster and I want to get to the 'fun' schooling with the kids. On the other side of things yes, they can be loud and whiney and difficult some days but they snuggle SO nicely! That's not going to last forever. I want to find a way to be just content with where we are now. Is that too much to ask for?

On my Christmas list this year.... earplugs. Sarah has quite the voice and when she panics or freaks out - owie! I think it would still hurt even with ear plugs :) Maybe burrying my head under a pillow would have the same affect as earplugs and make her stop to look at me and ask questions. I'll have to try that. Speaking of her screaming, time to go get her calmed down again. Apparently her 'owie' on her knee is hurting horrendously now that the bandaid came off in the bathtub. I certainly didn't know that a bandage on an owie took all the pain away and made everything better!

I miss you baby!

2007-12-17T03:50:01Z

Sarah's three now and it's mid December so it's been four years since I miscarried Sarah's twin. Sarah's twin has been on my mind frequently for the last two weeks but the grief hasn't hit me nearly as hard this year as it did last year or the year before. I'm sad this year, I wonder what life would be like if Sarah's twin had lived longer but I'm not outright mourning constantly this time. If you had told me that I'd reach this point - a point where I can think about the baby and not be overwhelmed with sadness - I don't think i would have believed you. I'm almost sad that I don't think about Sarah's twin on a daily basis now.. he/she is still definitely on my mind but not constantly. I don't quite know what to make of it.

Whatever the case... I do miss you baby, I wish I had been able to meet you and hold you but I trust that you're up in Heaven in Jesus' arms. I look forward to meeting you one day and telling you how much you were wanted and how much I've missed you and loved you. I'm sorry we haven't named you yet but we just haven't found the right one. You're still in my thoughts and I celebrate the short time I had with you. I love you baby!

Trust

2007-12-11T16:08:34Z

I feel as if I've been walking around in a slight daze the last several days. I know I've managed to get housework accomplished but when I look around I fail to see it. Kind of strange.

My treadmill time has been lovely lately. A half hour of time with no noise but the music from my ipod coming over the headphones firmly attached to my ears. It's my quiet time, my time to think and process and get a break from the realities around me. I come away from my time there totally locked in to myself and ready to think and write.. usually the only thing I want when I get off the treadmill is an hour locked away with my laptop with the freedom to write like mad. I find so much to SAY while I'm away from everything for that half hour. I don't get the chance to go write usually though. The normal thing is for me to come up the stairs and have three kids falling all over me begging for their turn to listen to the ipod. Arms get wrapped around my neck from the back as I'm sitting on the stairs to take my shoes off and another child usually manages to worm their way around to throw themselves into my lap. I love the cuddles but honestly, sometimes three solid kids flying at me all at once can get overwhelming. It's okay though!

The builders are going crazy around us. The townhomes immediately next to us are going up, they started just after thanksgiving. Two of the single family townhomes are also starting to go in. The trucks and construction are fascinating for the kids - and occasionally me too. There's something strangely hypnotic about watching the excavators dig out the foundations. Maybe that has something to do with this daze I seem locked into?

There's a strange level of contentment in me today. The house is crazy, the kids are loud and creative and testing the boundaries - all at once of course - and as always there's tons of stuff to be done but I just feel content. Jonathan ran into my room last night totally freaked out. He climbed up into the bed and snuggled in next to me and fell soundly asleep. I have no idea what was going on but I really enjoyed just having him sleeping next to me again. It's been awhile since he's done that.

Our christmas tree is up! This is the tree that I bought for the apartment two years ago, just before Talia arrived. It was HUGE in the apartment but as Dennis said the other night, it looks like we bought it with this house in mind. If anything it's slightly small. We put the lights on it in record time this year. I don't think we got quite as many strings on it as we did last year but it's still amazingly pretty when it's dark and it's the only light on in the house. So pretty and so peaceful :) I still remember being in labor with Talia and having the Christmas tree be the only light on in the house for awhile that night. It brings back all sorts of lovely feelings.

I'm trying to figure out how to let go, how to surrender my hopes and desires and trust that God will bring things about in His time. God has hit us over the head so many times in the last five years with His 'my time is right!' message. I keep wanting to do things in MY way and MY timing... how is it that I keep forgetting that His timing has been so incredibly perfect for us? I need to stand back, get myself out of His way and take a deep breath and trust. I just need to trust.

A chance to catch my breath..

2007-12-04T15:12:39Z

November was a seriously insane month! We had Dennis' parents come to stay for six days, we had Thanksgiving, we had a stomach virus and a cold virus (one right after the other) and in between everything else I wrote a novel. The novel of course is done, the whole family is finally regaining their balance and feeling better finally and there's gorgeous snow outside. I don't like going out and playing in the snow but I do enjoy watching it fall. If it has to be cold at least there can be something pretty :)

November taught me several things. If I set a reasonable goal for myself I can accomplish it. There were a few days that the housework got neglected because I had story in my head that just had to be written but in the end the housework did get done eventually. We're overloaded with laundry right now but that's more due to finding more boxes with cloth items that needed to be washed than anything else.

I think the roughest part of November really was everyone being sick at the end of it. Dennis and I get sick and we let the boundaries with the kids relax a bit and they take the extra bit of space and run with it. I'm finding the most effective thing I can do as far as parenting goes is set a boundary and be consistent about it. If we let the boundaries drop or stretch considerably even for a day it takes us two to three days to convince them of the boundaries again... if that makes sense. We're learning, making tons of mistakes I'm sure, but even still.. we're learning how to parent our children. I have the idea that the learning part of parenting will never go away.

The kids were exposed to the Chicken Pox last night... we elected to not vaccinate for CP and let the kids get them naturally instead. They've now been exposed and we'll see if they catch them in about two weeks. I'm not looking forward to them being sick but we'll stock up thoroughly on comfort measures and homeopathic remedies in the next week or so and we'll get through it. I think we'll also pick up some new movies for them to watch.. Jonathan and Sarah seem to love watching movies especially when they're sick.

I'm still trying to figure out what my December project is going to be. I'm loving the idea of having one set goal for the month that has nothing to do with housework or my children. Maybe that's a way for me to start bringing some of my interests and my identity back to myself. :) We'll see!

Finished!

2007-11-30T01:20:04Z

The first draft that is.... final word count?

51,236

My story has a beginning, a middle and an end.. all without trying to pad my word count by many of the ways that were listed in the NaNo forums. I laughed at a lot of them but decided not to use them unless I had a really good reason to do so. I'm glad I didn't use any of them, I certainly didn't need them!

The beginning of the story needs to be reworked desperately. Audacity starts the story at about the age of six but I realized a few pages in that was going to be way too young. She aged from one paragraph to the next without an explanation. Fortunately the ending of the story suggested a way to begin it... that will be easier now that I'm finally getting to know my characters.

I'm hesitant to go back and read the story but I know I should. I'll set it aside for a few days at least and then maybe print it out and take a deep breath and start in on it. We'll see how painful (or painless perhaps?) that experience is.

Now it's time to relax though. Sit back and spend some time with my family. I have this feeling that this story is not going to leave me alone but I'll at least try to shove it aside for a few days. I'm toying with the idea of spinning my way through my roving stash in December. There are so many pretty colors waiting to be turned into yarn!

50,048

2007-11-28T01:57:58Z

50,048. That's the number of words that the validator on NaNoWriMo's website reported when I validated my novel a moment ago :) I did it! I have officially won NaNoWriMo 2007. Now the fun begins.. the last few thousand words of conclusion to the story and then - if I get really brave - the reading of the story and the editing of the story.

The ending isn't written yet so I'm not entirely sure what will happen next but here are a few things I've noticed about my story as I've written it...

My main character on page one apparently wasn't my main character.

My (former) main character's daughter apparently felt the need to steal the spotlight from her mother, she is actually the main character.

My MC's name and her mother's frustrations over their names never showed up in the story, apparently their names are 'normal' in their universe.

My MC aged from about 6 years old to an older teenager (16+) within the space of about one page. That one will take some editing.

The gems from page 1 or 2 DID have a great significance in the story.

The significance of those gemstones was way different from what I was expecting it to be.

Two of my characters spent a day in the forest being chased by evil for what turns out to be no reason at all.

I got rather frustrated at the technology these people use, fortunately so did my MC. She was able to express some of my frustration in the technology for me.

A 'problem' that I thought wasn't very central to the storyline turned out to be rather important.

That problem became so central to the story that I thought it was NEVER going to be solved.

The problem did finally get solved - not in the way I thought it would though!

I know there are more things that I've noticed but my mind is beginning to wander.... funny how it does that to me! I do have one big question left about my story that hopefully will get answered as I write the ending this week.

Is the planet going to be cleansed of evil or will it be destroyed? If it is destroyed, who destroys it - the good guys or the bad guys?

I should have the answer to that in a few days - I hope!

Hmm.. one more thing. I caught a thread on the NaNo forums that made me giggle earlier tonight. Word has a function that let's you 'Auto Summarize' a document. Here's the result of running the tool on my story....

Using the tool to summarize the document in 10 sentences produces this:

“Audacity! Audacity! “Audacity?” “Audacity? “Audacity?” “Audacity? “Audacity? “Audacity? “Audacity? “Audacity!”

In case that leaves you a bit in the dark let's let it summarize the story in 100 words or less:

“Audacity! Audacity grinned. Audacity! “Audacity?” “Audacity? “Audacity?” “Visionary?” Where’s Audacity? Visionary? “Audacity? “Audacity? Visionary nodded. “Visionary!” Visionary nodded. “Audacity? Audacity frowned. “Elizabeth. Audacity nodded. “Elizabeth?” Audacity queried. Audacity nodded. “Visionary? “Audacity? “Audacity!” “Audacity? Audacity smiled. Elizabeth asked Audacity.

Audacity nodded. “Elizabeth! Audacity nodded. “Careful Audacity.” Visionary smiled. Audacity grinned. “No Audacity! “Audacity?”

“Elizabeth? “Visionary?”

“Elizabeth! Audacity shrugged. Audacity nodded. “Ready Audacity?”

Visionary nodded. “Elizabeth? “Elizabeth! “Audacity? Audacity asked.

Visionary nodded. Audacity replied. “Audacity?” “Audacity! “Audacity?” “Audacity? Neil, Audacity. Audacity breathed. Audacity laughed. Audacity frowned. Audacity demanded.

Audacity nodded. “Audacity.” “Audacity, sweetheart. “Audacity, wait. “Audacity, Visionary, Elizabeth… Visionary nodded. “Visionary?

At least it got my main character's name in there... some authors didn't even get that when they ran the tool!

Getting there...

2007-11-26T15:18:23Z

I think all of my words lately have been going into my novel. I haven't been writing here, I haven't been sending emails and I've been keeping games that involve words to a minimum. I'm getting there though, almost done with the first draft on my novel. There are about 6000 words to go to 'win' NaNoWriMo and I think I'm actually going to make it. I'll hit the 50,000 words in the next few days, hopefully somehow in those words that I have left I'll manage to figure out how to defeat the evil or at least make it vanish from the planet. The poor planet is nameless, I keep meaning to find a name for it but I haven't run across one that I like yet. Until it tells me it's name it will continue to be referred to as 'the planet'. Poor planet :)

I should be writing in my story, I intended to go do that this morning when I turned the computer on. I'm discovering that I'm really good at avoiding writing until my brain just screams "GO WRITE!" and I open the document and close out all of the other windows on my computer. I sit down and start writing and I actually get somewhere. I rarely have any idea where this story is going to go when I sit down to start writing my words for each day. I usually walk away from the writing session trying to figure out how my characters got where they wound up and marveling at the discoveries that they've made. I'm often rather astonished at how something on page 40 connects back to page 3 when I certainly didn't intend to put any major connection there. It's been fascinating to watch my story take a form and life all of it's own.

The townhomes next to us have finally sold enough to allow construction to begin on them. I'll miss the view out of west windows but my kids are enthralled at the construction work. The foundations were poured shortly after we moved in a few months ago. Last Wednesday we saw the first part of the framing start, materials were delivered the day before and two men were here most of the day on Wed marking chalk lines on the foundation. Today the walls begin to go up! It's fun to watch the framing and see how these houses are put together. The kids have chairs pulled up to the windows so they can sit and watch when they feel like it. Right now they're taking a break to spin in circles in the middle of the living room. It makes me dizzy to watch them but they're definitely having fun!

Right, it's time to go write. Off to write and put my word count over 45,000 words! It's so close now.. I can almost taste it!

20,000 words!

2007-11-13T05:58:48Z

I've passed the 20k mark on my NaNo! Now to sleep.. I'm oh so tired tonight. I'd write more but my words all went into my novel today.. silly, sleepy, sloppy, slippery words. So many more to go :)

Longing

2007-11-10T04:01:47Z

A friend sent me a link to a blog the other day. The author is from a family I knew growing up. She's a little bit younger than me and is now in the Philippines studying to be a midwife. I've spent a lot of time this last week reading her blog and the blogs of the other students at the maternity center there. It's truly amazing what they're doing there and it's brought my desire to work with birth screaming back to the forefront. I don't know if I'm ever going to accomplish that or how I"m going to accomplish that but I do know that if it's what God has in store for me, it will happen.

Another thing is coming up to me as I'm reading these blogs. My faith isn't where I want it to be, not even close. I know it's different when you're out on the mission field. It all seems that much more real somehow. It doesn't have to be like it is for me right now though. I'm seeking or at the very least trying to seek.. "seek and ye shall find, ask and it shall be given, knock and the door will be opened" .. I think I'll hold that one in my hand tonight and cry out.

I've written something like 23 pages of my nano book now. It's coming. I was dreading sitting down to write today because I knew the next segment was going to be an explanation of the evil ones in my book. I was dreading it because I didn't know the explanation.. how can I write something I don't know? The words came though, they were coming fast and easily.. then Talia woke up and wanted her after naptime nursing session! I tried to write while she nursed, it just didn't work.. need to go write more now. But back to what I was saying... this book is teaching me so many things, maybe this is another thing that I need to learn. Trust. Trust that the words will come, trust that the story is there. Don't over analyze.. just do. Just keep going and doing and trust.. leave it in Hands that are stronger than mine.

I thought for a brief moment that I would try to put a message in my book. I talked with Dennis about that the other night. I came to the conclusion that 'trying' to put a message in would make it forced. Better to get my focus set and on track and let the message come.. if my focus is where it should be the message will be there. In Every. Single. Thing. That. I. Do. it will be there. No need to try, no need to explain. Just be and breathe and write and live. The message will be seen, it will be known. It will be.

Past the 10,000 mark!

2007-11-07T03:21:12Z

Ten thousand, two hundred and sixty six words written to my story. I'm a fifth of the way done! I definitely need to find a reward for myself.

On another note, my in laws come tomorrow. I saw my kitchen this morning.. the one that I had gotten completely clean LESS than a week ago! and got so overwhelmed I just ignored it until Dennis got home. I definitely learned something about myself today from doing that. Once Dennis got home we made dinner, got the kids fed and then I got the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded. The kitchen looks much better with even just that done. We came upstairs and got Jonathan's room vacuumed and basically ready. All I'll need to do is change the bedding in there after naptime tomorrow and it will be ready for guests. I also got the kid's bathroom cleaned and mine as well. Dennis helped - a bit with the cleaning but mostly with keeping the kids out from underfoot. Somehow it's easier to do when they're not always trying to 'help' :) I'll see what I can get done with vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen downstairs tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel like my house is in order by the time we head to the airport to pick them up.

Oh, my novel needs a name. It's changed from a fantasy novel to a science fiction novel somehow. My main character's daughter went from being kidnapped to being rescued and now she's on her first spaceship surrounded by her mother's co-workers (essentially) and it's all entirely new to her. She's having an easier time telling her story to me than her mother is.. maybe my main character isn't going to be the main character after all? We'll see!

NaNo Update

2007-11-04T05:36:00Z

Ok. My novel has a beginning! Now it's time to write the middle and the end.

I've been reading the threads on my local NaNo board and a statement caught my eye - "when your goal is to write crap you really can't fail". I think that sums my goal up! I keep telling the people around me that there is NOTHING in the rules about this book being GOOD. There are no qualifiers saying that I have to write 50,000 insanely incredible absolutely publishable words. It says 'write a novel that's 50,000 words long'. I can do this. It doesn't have to be good at all. If it doesn't have a plot that even I, the author, can follow.. that's okay. This is a starting point for me, nothing more. This is an "I can do this!" thing.

So, what am I learning about myself? I think way too much about some stuff. I analyze and over analyze and try to figure out where my story is going. I try to figure out what the dialog is going to say and how it's going to say it. I spend minutes sitting there thinking of what the next sentence is going to be. Somehow I've got to stop doing this! I need to let go, let loose and just write. Don't look back to see what I wrote.. just keep going, just keep moving on. I can do that here, I am doing that here. I need to figure out how to transfer this journaling type of writing to my book.

I keep getting tripped up over the words book, novel and author. I just start laughing internally when I see or hear those. "NO! That's not me, I'm not an author.. I'm just playing. There's no way my book will be good enough to be worth anything or make sense to anyone." I need to get past this. I have 6 pages of 'stuff' written that is indeed the start of a story. If a story gets long enough it could indeed be labeled as a novel. I could even possibly see it as a book someday if it was printed out and bound in some fashion. I, as the person who wrote it, would naturally be the author. I need to face these words and absorb them. Take them as my own! I can write a novel, it can be a good and I am the author.

I can do this. Three thousand, six hundred and twenty words written. Only forty six thousand, three hundred and eighty words to go.

What have I done?

2007-11-02T01:24:18Z

I signed up for NaNoWriMo. It's official. I'm ~~attempting to write~~ writing a novel. I have no plot, no premise, no conflict as of yet but I have a first page. I also have my main character's name. It's something, right? 407 words written. A whole lot more to go!

Goals and other random thoughts

2007-11-01T21:57:34Z

My profile page on here says it's been three weeks since I've written anything! When I started this blog I certainly didn't intend to go three weeks (or more) between postings.

I've been wandering around in a haze all week. I think I'm not getting enough sleep but who knows. I've been trying to find coherent thoughts in my brain this last week but they've been few and far between.

There's an even this month that's called NaNoWriMo .. it's all about writing a 50,000 word novel in one month. I found out about it a few days ago. I've thought about joining up and just doing it - partially because I've been wanting to write more - but I'm just not sure. I can't put more than two thoughts together these days, how am I going to put a full novel together? Dennis keeps encouraging me to just jump in and do it. I don't know. I'm afraid I'll join up and start and not finish. I don't need to add yet another project to my list of things started and never finished. I already have a hard enough time battling the thoughts in my head that say I'm lazy and I never complete anything I start. On the other hand though.. I certainly won't finish a novel if I never start one.

What would I write about though? I can't come up with a plot. Do I just start writing without one and see where it goes from there? That's certainly something I could try. There's nothing that says that is has to be a GOOD novel, just 50,000 words. I think I may be talking myself into trying.

I want to find a church. I want to find a place that I can go where i can feel grounded and challenged. I want to be around people who will point me toward the Lord. I don't want it to be a place where people aren't 'real' though. I don't know if that even makes sense in my head - or more specifically I know what I'm thinking but I can't put it into words.

I truly love the location we're living in now. The town home community here is lovely. Yes, there are buildings closely squeezed together and lots of people around but there's also some wide open space. The people who planned this development made sure to leave 'play area' as well as living area. I don't take the kids outside nearly often enough but it helps to know that I *can* when I want to - or when they want to. I really need to find Jonathan's other shoe... he's got his leather ones but it's getting too cold for those.

I pulled out my drop spindle on Tuesday and spun some more yarn. There's something absolutely enchanting about watching the wool fibers turn into a sleek piece of yarn/thread/string. I love watching the colors blend and twist together. I don't even mind it when the yarn breaks. There's a momentary feeling of 'oh crap' but then I pick it up, loosen the ends up and then spin it right back in. I'm not good enough yet to make those joins vanish completely but I'm getting there. Now there's just a little tiny thicker area where the join was. I need to haul up my spinning wheel from the basement. I'm not sure why it didn't come up to the room as soon as we moved in. I found the drive band for it on Tuesday and I just need to get that on and start spinning. There really wasn't space for it in the apartment but there is space here.

I seem to say a lot of "I want to do this" or "I should do this" lately but I don't seem to actually get any of that stuff done. No wait, I take that back. I managed to get ALL the dishes in my kitchen clean at the same time on Tuesday. It didn't last of course but it gave me a nice fresh start again. That's one thing that I've been much better at since we moved into this house - the kitchen has stayed a LOT neater. It's never spotless but it's *better*. I've also changed my parenting style since we got here - for the better as far as I can tell! The kids and I still have bad days but we're having a LOT more good days. I like having good days with them :)

I sat down to write here without over analyzing or going back and editing what I wrote. I've accomplished that. Maybe I just need to set myself smaller goals :) I can complete small goals! Now to go sign up for NaNoWriMo and see what I end up with a month from now.

Me

2007-10-11T15:32:23Z

So who am I?

I think that's something that I'm still trying to figure out. I'm a wife, I'm a mother. Those roles are concrete and easy to list. Those are the main identities I've been claiming lately. I think I need to take it further though. My husband was reading through Plumb's biography yesterday. She was talking about her new album that just came out this week. She said something about how she's a mother and a wife but she's more than that - I think in a lot of ways I've forgotten this. I'm more than my children's mother. I'm still a woman, a human being with hopes and dreams. I need to start figuring out what those are again and acknowledge them.

So what do I love?

Birth. The process of a woman's body housing, growing and birthing a baby is incredible. It's an amazing process that sometimes isn't given quite the credit it deserves. There's a lot of fear in this country surrounding birth and it makes me sad. I believe birth doesn't have to be the scary thing that so many people view it as. Is birthing a baby easy? No. Is there pain involved? Yes. Can most women birth their baby without a whole list of medical interventions and drugs? Absolutely! At the same time though.. maybe not. The fear and horror stories surrounding birth create problems here. I remember talking to a friend several years ago and she was saying that when she got pregnant she was seriously thinking of asking her doctor if she could just schedule a c-section from the start. She was scared of the process of labor and birth. A c section may seem like an easy short cut but it's not. It's major abdominal surgery. Yes, it's done all the time and most doctors doing it are well acquainted with the procedure but that doesn't diminish the risks that go along with any type of surgery. Yes, a c-section is an amazing, life saving incredible surgery when it's truly needed. Do 25-30% of the women in our country need a c section though? Somehow I don't think so.

I do understand some of the fear surrounding birth. It's an unknown, it involves pain, it's hard work - the hardest work I've ever done in my life! You have to be able to let go, surrender yourself to the process. You can't have complete control over your body. You have to find ways of working with your body and coping with things you've never felt before. I'd love to help women bring their babies into the world someday. That's definitely one of my dreams. Maybe as a midwife, maybe not. Becoming a midwife wouldn't just be a thing *I* do, it would be a thing my whole family would do. Birth isn't a scheduled process, it happens when it happens and if you're a midwife your family has to understand that. A midwife's job is not a 9-5 job. A birth may take two hours, it may take three days. I'm not ready at this point to put that amount of time and uncertainty into my life. Eventually? Maybe. It's absolutely something I'll keep in mind. If becoming a midwife isn't the right thing for me becoming a childbirth educator may be. I think it would be absolutely amazing to be able to teach other women about the birthing process and help them find tools that will help them through the labor and the birth. I can see myself in that roll someday. It's definitely an option for me.

I also love photography. It's something that I'm actually good at too :) I think I stopped playing with my camera because I kept seeing other people's work and thinking it was better than mine. Why am I letting that stop me though? There will always be someone better than me. Always! I need to find a way to accept that and just keep taking pictures anyways. Will I ever have a career as a photographer? Not likely but that's okay with me. I don't have to make a huge income at something in order to do it. It would be nice if I could make enough money off of the things I do to cover the expenses but even that may not be a requirement.

I'm over analyzing again I think. I feel like I'm writing too much and I'm not just writing to write. Gotta break that habit!! I need to start setting a timer and just writing as much as I can during that time. I loved doing that exercise in writing classes and it helps to break me out of the 'analyzing what I write as I write' thing.

Oh.. and what's up with my three year old screaming at the top of her lungs and saying "YOU REALLY SCARED ME!" whenever I tell her something she doesn't want to hear? And how can I break this lovely new trend? It's getting old fast and my ears are starting to hurt!